Contents show
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
I tried to catch some fog yesterday, but I mist.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.
Some people just need a high five …in the face …with a chair.
I’m not saying I hate you, but if you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I’d drink it.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I always keep a gun in my purse. You never know when someone might need their next two spiraling emotions cured.
I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.’
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Dark Humor Quotes: Finding Laughter in the Darkest Times part 2
I love pressing F
It’s so refreshing.
I hate insects. In fact, I married an exterminator just to be safe.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you.
Some people say ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’. I say ‘If you can’t beat them, beat them’, because they will be expecting you to join them!
I may be fat, but at least I’m not a skinny person trapped in a fat body.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a few payments.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Isn’t it great that we live in a world where the air won’t let you smell your own farts?
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic…and so am I.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was hungry…and hormonal…and really, really tired.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I’m not psycho…I just likes psychotic things.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
If I was a bird, I know who I’d sh*t on.
I know I’m not perfect, but I’m so close it scares me.
Marriage is like a walk in the park…Jurassic Park.
I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.’
I’m not sure if life is passing me by, or running me over.
